letter from the past

its funny today i was going through my things doing a much needed cleaning of my room and i stumbled across a letter i'd been saving. it was a suprise because i didnt even know i had been saving it... i opened it and quietly read it to myself.. it wasnt even a letter i had received it was a letter i had written to an ex of mine..

i met him when i was 15.. we had stayed together a few months but i was so in love. i had told myself he was an amazing man... the lies we unknownly tell ourselves when we are young are absolutely amazing. he and i still talk but i no longer feel so attached to him as i once did when i wrote that letter i didnt dare mail to him.. i do that quite often write my feelings in a letter and never send it.

i suppose thats best because having it be five years later i shutter at the thought of having had sent this boy a letter professing how no matter what i would still love him and im so greatful that we still remained friends. smh.. i shutter because for the life of me i can not fathom what it was i could have possibly been thinking.. it wasnt love.. just pure infatuation... i mean sure i cared for him still do..but i dare not think to say that it is true love that i felt or still feel for him to day... just a mere molecule of heart ... i have a heart and thus i care.. although you could say it would simply be easier to pretend it didnt exist and not care for him at all. but since i cant do that i do care for him to a certain extent.

yet for some odd reason when i read that letter..like i had done so many times before.. i had a reaction unlike one id had while reading it before.. i simply didnt care.. it wasnt that i didnt care for him but rather i didnt care to dwell on the "love" i once had for him.. i didnt want to keep forever the memory of once loving someone and then feeling the pain of that love ... so i tore it up..

i tore up the letter. for the first time in five years after reading that letter.. i simply folded it back up and ripped it to shreds.. my heart didnt choke at the thought of losing it.. my eyes didnt water from remembering what i once had... i simply ripped it up walked into the kitchen.. and threw it in the trash...

then i walked back in my room and smiled.. its always a good day..when u say good bye to the heartache of yesterday... and hello to the beauty of tomorrow.

C.Mone`.. the real story told

tears

tears lose meaning when what your crying about cant be changed..

C.Mone` .. the real truth

perfect fit

I was watching the tampax commercial today and the woman was having a dream about shoes growing on trees. This made me think and I realized even if shoes growed on trees my size would probably be like one of the rarest fruits. In which case I would still have the hardest time finding my size.

C.Mone...the untold truth

pathway to love

If only when we were born GOD gave us a map to mark our path to true love...
But I suppose that would be to easy..

C.Mone`.. the truth.. untold

girlsations....

girl: idk why they even bother to get the number if they going to act like that

Me: they love the chase. problem is they don't know what to do when the chase is up



C.Mone... truth untold

my words to a friend

if u mad at the world fuck it but always remember when fucking someone else never screw yourself

C.Mone.. truth.. untold

death chasers

Surprise..Surprise AIDS is a deadly disease. I know what your thinking that's not surprising we all know this, its been told to us in health education classes, during every AIDS prevention commercial, and public service announcement for many many years now. But what is a surprise is that even though its a deadly disease there are people out there chasing it like a high that will never end but only get worse. While reading Karrine Steffans' novel The Vixen Diaries I read about Barebacking parties or "conversion" parties. To be honest I found these parties revolting.

Let me explain these barebacking parties are where non infected gay males come in an attempt to catch AIDS or HIV from an infected gay male. They refer to this dangerous disease as "the gift"...my question is what type of gift is that, you certainly can't return it to the store if it turns out you don't enjoy it as much as you once thought you would.

The truth is what value do these "bug chasers" put on their lives? What would make you possibly believe that trying to contract a disease that so many wish they never came in contact with would be a wise idea. The answer to that I don't know, what I do know tho is that your trying to do something that's willingly putting your life at risk with little regard for what is to come after it.

So for these reasons I must ask, why do you want to die, and I deem you know more than a DEATH CHASER.

C.Mone...the truth untold

Housewives?... are you really?

So I'm sitting here watching Real Housewives of Orange County and they are introducing the newest housewife who is taking Jeana's place. Now, don't get me wrong I love these shows seeing how the other side lives.. the ups the downs and the in-betweens. But I must admit that watching these shows really allows me to find flaws and things that need to be improved in people through out their circle.

For example, the new housewife stated that she was a stay at home mom and want to be the best mom possible. Now this wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't followed by " we have two nannies". Maybe its me but why exactly do you need two nannies if you stay home and DO NOT work.
This is a flaw in logically thinking to me and quite frankly since I am very finance oriented.. it is a WASTE of money.. whether you have it to spend or not.

My question is what exactly is a housewive.. is it not working and not watching the kids...can you be a housewive if you don't have kids.. can you be a housewive if your never home.. or if you have a job?.. I ponder these things

Just a random thought


C.Mone..truth... untold

givng to much of myself

" I often find that I want to give too much of myself - a self who is still underdeveloped and isn't finished setting anchors in the tide." --Karrine Steffans

I must agree with Miss. Steffans, she is not alone in this feeling and for the most part she never will be. I too have done the same thing. I think however, that it takes a certain type of person to become this way and although having the ablity to care and love without boundary can be a blessing it is most certainly a curse. Love it self can be like air... when you have it you can breathe and everything is right, however when you don't nothing is right.

I can't speak for everyone only myself , but I find at times when it comes to love I wouldn't say that I was dumb..but I would say I could do too much. Sometimes your so deep into a situation that you don't even see what's going on around you, you don't see that your putting in all you have to give plus some and your not getting nearly half of that back.

Honestly, when your not even who you want or need to be yet that is a dangerous road to start walking down. Your going to end up giving so much to someone you don't have anything left for yourself...

C.Mone... the truth untold.....

days like today

its days like today when i sit here alone.. watching movies that i realize..
although i don't need a boyfriend, or friend that just so happens to be a boy.. it sure would be nice to have someone to make me coco and cuddle with..

C.Mone`....my truth

history

"history is written by those who hang heros"---- brave heart

a look in the mirror

Today I was walking into the bathroom and caught a glimse of myself. I had to stop, I stared in the mirror and had to say " I love you"...at the end of the day if I don't love me then who else will?

the truth..untold...C.Mone`

lies arent as easy as they seem

It takes way too much energy for someone to pretend to be someone that they aren't...sooner or later they won't be able to keep up the lie.
Its at that moment that you'll see who they really are.

You can paint a white horse with black stripes and call it a zebra... but as soon as it rains..its a horse again..

the truth..untold..C.Mone`

Release the Pain and Live

There comes a point in your life were you have to let go. I'm not saying forget, I'm saying let go of the things in your life that are preventing your own happiness. Sometimes we are the biggest obstacle in our own lives. Often times we become perpetual hoarders of negatively. Collectors of tragedy.

In many cases we keep individuals in our lives that do nothing but pull us down. They act as succubus, draining our spirit, adding poison to our soul, degrading our bodies, and bringing emptiness into our homes. Yet for some reason those are the very people we have such a very hard time letting go of. In fact you become so accustom to the negativity you depend on it you crave and need the loss of esteem, and degradation that comes along with.

You can be no better than a crack fiend or a heroin addict who allows a poison or evil to come into your life and control your every action. However, your drug of choice is pain. You keep people around who cause you pain, you attract people and situations who are harmful in a multitude of ways.

But this is no way to live it isn't healthy. Your slowly allowing pain, unnecessary pain to kill you. You must remember the cause, release the pain, and LIVE...

the untold truth...C.Mone`

my take on the one night stand

Those who know me know I'm am so nosy... I cant help it I get it from my grandmother. anyway.. I sat in my business and commerce class today when I heard the most upsurd random thing to be said aloud while someone is waiting for a class to begin.

woman: yea friday night ! came home at 7 after happy hour I  passed out on the bed my daughter came to check on me but I wouldn't budge.

man: why'd you pass out?

woman:well I went out cuz I'd been sick for a few weeks and I'd hadnt been feeling to good.

man: You know what a week ago I had a one night stand I was talking to this girl she said she
hadn't been feeling to good she was always tired, sore throat, headache, so I said cool well
lets go back to your place...and you know what like the next day I started having all of her
symptoms.


In my head I said you idiot... I hope you like death because... you've just got AIDS... first why is it cool to have a one night stand..this is where the term dirty p***s comes from, secondly if someone told me they came to the bar and was sick I would definitely turn and walk the other way it is certainly a time when swine flu is taking over i don't know about you but I cant take time off work I like money and have an adversion to things that keep me from making it... so next time if you think bout having a one night stand do the following check list:

1. do I value life
2. is this person clean
3. would my mother approve
4.how can this affect my money


the truth untold....C.Mone`

brown sugar

I sit here watching brown sugar and I've come to realize one thing, its rare that we'll ever find love like that. But the question is when you do find it will it last. How rare is it that your best friend becomes the best man you've ever be with. How often is it that you will find any man who will know you in and out who will be a lover, friend, and confidant. I know it isn't something you come around often, but I wouldn't mind finding one who could do for me the things I didn't even know I needed done.

baby does not equal redemption

So I looked at a magazine cover not to long ago and I happened to see Kourtney Kardashian talking about how her baby saved her relationship. Maybe its me but a baby should not be the way to make a relationship work. Babies can't help you keep a man, nor should they be a reason to stay in relationship that you should really get out of...Maybe she didn't even mean it the way it came out. However the statement, " My baby saved my relationship", should never be made.

Homosexuality....some chose it others have no choice

A few days ago a co-worker and I were having a discussions about homosexuality. Now I personally have no life experience of being gay but I do however have my opinions on it. My co-worker and I both know individuals who we either know or think are gay, but the reasons behind it we did not agreed upon.

She believed that gay people had a choice on whether or not they are gay. I listened to her argument but frankly I didn't think it was completely right. I listened to how she told me they could be cured through prayer, that they had to want not to be gay and go to god to stop that life style. It was in her opinion that it was a spirit causing them to be gay, that it was a temptation like everything else and they had to refuse it.

I however do not think that homosexuality is choice for all people. I think for some like people that up and decide one day, "oh I'm gay" and blame it on a negative relationship that yes that is a choice. However, how can you deny that some people are born that way when there are people that commit suicide because others tell them that the feelings they have and the people they love are not right.

If being homosexual is such a choice why wouldn't someone just choose to be heterosexual. Who would chose to be viewed with prejudice, to endure unnecessary pain, or have limited rights in the eye of the law, no person would.

In my opinion it shouldn't matter who a person loves as long as they love. Who are we as people to tell someone who is OK or not OK to love. The answer is we are no one. The choice to be gay for some is a choice and for others its just as much a choice to be heterosexual.. One day you just know who your attracted to. No one should be faulted for that.

Love is love and no one should be judged for it.

Sheree` housewife of atlanta

So last night was the premiere of Housewives of Atlanta season 2. I must admit that Sheree` didn't seem too bad this season, I mean I still think Nene is the best but Sheree` has got some sass with her. However, I wasn't to happy about her comment about " calling up Pookie and them". That was just so inappropriate. People already look at black people in say they are ghetto so please don't add to the negativity. The party planner was wrong and you had every reason to dig into his behind. But your statement simply should have ended with " I had to let the cleveland girl out ". And frankly why do you need to call Pookie and them? He was one man hand yours yourself.

But honestly Sheree` was heated the bear claw veins coming out of her neck proved it. I knew she had it in her .

That was just my random thought more to come...

the untold truth....C.Mone`...

so i dont no if i could live with electricity

So here I sit in complete and utter silence, bored out of my freaking mined with only my nearly dead cellphone and laptop in front of me. A storm has just come by it was all of three minutes but it knocked out my power and ive been sitting here for um... lets see an hour!

I just don't understand how people can do this live without electricity. Now I didn't have cable for almost the last 3years and I have recently been forced to buy my own phone that doesn't have a camera because guess what... I'm paying my own bills.. and all my friends tell me I'm stuck in the old ages and its 2009 get with the program. However, I've always had some time of technology I may not have a camera phone but I have a phone, didn't have cable but I had a tv.

So my question is I no when my phone and laptop die im going to be going insane, so how exactly do people go on a day to day basis without some form of electricity?

The answer is they don't! At some point they have to see or use something with technology, so if they say they don't their lying. Even the Amish come to town and cook food in that nice rotisery oven. I dont even have a stove right now because ..guess what its electric.

So should we be less technology dependent. Yes! But hey I'm an evolved creature and with it came a phone, lights, tv, computer, stove, car, and everything else I like. Shame on who ever says that I don't need these things.

the untold truth...C.Mone`

Maybe I dont really want you either

This is a short and sweet one well at least im trying to make it that way before I go to sleep. People always think that girls are unaware of the games guys play with them. However, I don't think thats always true. Maybe we like the attention and the flirting and put up with your lies and dumb games for the simple fact that we can. We can flirt and hang out but that doesn't mean we're in love with you. We may like your company from time to time to temporarily fill a void, until we find someone we know in our spirit we're really meant to be with. But my advice to guys who think they have a girl in the palm of their hand. Who may not really want to be with a girl long time or short time for that matter but say whats necessary to get into her head. She just may NOT want you either!!!!!





the untold truth...C.Mone`....

If you love it let it go!!!!

So perhaps you've heard the saying, " If you love something let it go. If it comes back thats how you know.". Well most people use that to say thats how you know its meant to be. However, thats not always true sometimes you let something go thinking you can't be without it and you pray and hope it comes back. But while its gone you realize that you don't need and in all actuality you really don't want it. So really sometimes when you let something go, let it stay gone.

I perfer the thought that everything has its own season. In which case, if your past your season I think its necessary for me to just let you go. And all I can say to you then is
¡Adiós! Fue agradable le conociendo pero es tiempo para usted ir.: Goodbye! It was nice knowing you but it's time for you to go.

the untold truth...C.Mone....

Flaws and All

Earlier today I was watching true life the first episode was " I hate my large breast", the second was " I hate my small breast", and the last was " I'm uncomfortable in my new body". I sat there and listened to how disappointed these people were with their bodies whether large or small and it saddened me. But what it did show was that you need to love yourself, FLAWS and ALL!!!! No matter what you do in life your always going to have things within yourself that your unhappy with but changing those physical things may not always be the way to fix yourself the only way to really fix it is to change the way you personally view yourself. No ones perfect and if you keep trying to change your physical appearance without first becoming happy with the person you are, you will eventually look in the mirror and still see flaws because hacking away at your body doesn't fix your emotion deformities. In fact in fixing the way you view yourself you may just see that the things your say as problems really weren't, but your emotional defects where appearing to you in a physical form.

I guess what I'm trying to say is stop focusing on the physical... you were born so love yourself and if you still have issues then fix them. But you can but a girl in a ball gown and make her look like a princess, but if she thinks she looks worst then the next girl no amount of make-up can make her beautiful...

the untold truth....C.Mone

STUCK

I've reached a point in my life where I believe that I am what can be described in no other words than STUCK!!! When i graduated from high school I had a plan, a college to attend, a career I wanted to achieve, and a life I've so desperately wanted to live. I wanted to make something of myself. But as I sit here two years later I feel so lost. All the things I never thought would happen have some how unfolded in my life like a script written by an opponent who only wishes to see me fail. But I haven't failed and  I don't intend to. I feel my self floating above water at times sinking below but not enough to drown. Sometimes it feels like my lungs are filling with water and I can't breathe, speak, or move. Because I'm STUCK!!! I loved college but had to take time off and I've been working my ass off to pay what I owe so I can go back, but it feels as tho as far and as much as I get done something comes up and it just isn't enough. I'm so far away from all my friends and it seems as tho I try so hard but I have no one , no one but myself. The world is a crushing place when all you have is yourself to depend on. When you are the only one there to console you when things go wrong. I know things will get better, there would be tough times and easier times, but I wish there was a time limit on pain, stress, and suffering because then I'd know when the sun would truly smile again. But until things get better I suppose I'm much like a caterpillar in its hard callous cocoon, trapped until the time comes for me to change into the beautiful butterfly I was meant to be... Until then I'm just STUCK!!!

The untold truth...C.Mone`

the value of a dollar

So once again I'm watching TV.. sweet 16 on demand to be exact. I watch each episode that they have had on and with each one I'm more and more turned off by them.. I was actually relieved to see that the one girl Haley didn't get a car, well at least they didn't show her get one. You see these kids the children of CEOs, entertainment personalities, celebrities, etc. and I cant help but wonder why do they need all this... your not famous, your not rich, your parents are and at 16 what right do you have to assume that you deserve any of this.
When I watched one teen say that $54,705 wasn't to bad for a car i couldn't help but laugh. some people could only imagine seeing that in a year or two years for that matter. So what would possibly make this girl believe that she, being a 16 year old who doesn't work, deserves it.
Not to say that they have bad parents cuz I'm sure they don't and their parents love them dearly but at some point the ball must have dropped. Many of the parents may or may not have had to work their way everyday of their lives to get to where they are so why not have your children do the same . Why not have your children learn the value of a dollar. I'm not saying  to not provide for them, but make them get a job, don't buy them cars and clothes just because they want it or it makes you feel better. Maybe what these teens are missing are the experiences that most teens have working and saving for a car, or saving up for the Chanel purse, that they want. Because lets face it at 15 or 16 you aren't grown and those aren't things that you most certainly need. And after spending $300,000 on a party for one day where do you go from there? You have hundreds of people there most of which probably aren't your friends, what is the point? To show how fabulous you are, the amount of money you have?.. please it's not your money it's mommy and daddy's money. These are the children who are later to be featured on things like bridezilla because early on they were taught, its ok treat people like shit you still get what you want.

I watch these shows and it sickens me because they spend $300,000 dollars on one night as if money is air and there is an endless supply. As i sit here struggling to pay tuition, buy a car and start my life on my own.. with that amount of money I could do that 300 times over.

Its nice when they ask for toy donations, but how bout instead of spending that money on a party how bout put it in you're college and life savings and have a chill birthday at home. Or put the money in a charity, or start a college fund for underprivileged kids.. do something that you can actually see the good done with it.

the truth untold... C.Mone`

so yea they forgot someone

So the other night I was watching dateline or 60 minutes one of them it doesn't really matter.  But they were talking bout how to improve identifying perps in a photo line up. Being that hopefully in the near future i would like to pursue a career in law I find all aspects of it interesting. as I sat there and watched as they showed the normal photo id which included a victim flipping through photos, they also showed a newer method which demonstrated them looking at the photos of offenders on the computer i couldn't help but notice one thing. All the photos they showed were of young black men. It may be me but I felt a bit offended. I turned to my mom and said why is it that they only showed black men as if the only criminals there is are black. I mean none of the men they showed where Hispanic, Asian, white.. nothing.. as the Asian woman on the screen flipped through the photos I saw black face after black face. I mean it could be that the particular crime they were talking about involved a black man, but its unlikely since they were just talking bout the process in general... I may be overly sensitive but I sensed a unfairness in it. A violation! And although, I'm not going to protest I do feel annoyed because its not the first time things like that have happen and sadly it wont be the last.

the truth untold, C.Mone..

just sayin hi

this is my first blog.. i seem to always have something to say guess it just seems easier to type it up then to keep saying it over and over again. this is the introduction to me. C.Mone`.. this is me what i think what i believe. your welcome to agree or disagree but im always going to say whats on my mind. Im not writing to give advice or convince you to go along with what i believe. I simply want to let people know what i observe , my opinions on what i observe, and just the thoughts large and small that pop into my head.

the truth untold.. C.Mone`